10 steps On 'How To Get Girls to Hate Frollo?
by Gothika Faerie
Summary: Clopin, Phoebus and Quasimodo attempt to convert passionate Frollo lovers into hating our sexy judge…while failing miserably. Recommended if you love Frollo.


Title: Ten (Failed) Steps on 'How to Get Diehard Fan Girls to Hate Frollo'

Summary: Clopin, Phoebus and Quasimodo attempt to convert passionate Frollo lovers into hating our sexy judge…while failing miserably.

Genre: Humor/Parody

Rated: T for suggestive themes and bad language

A/N: Well, I've risen from the grave where utter random stupidity laid. This was typed out of fun, peace and laughter. Whatever is written here is not meant to offend. Please don't take it seriously.

#1: Make them Hate Medieval Judges

Clopin: Hey, lady, you want to watch a documentary on judges back in Medieval France?

Random FFG: Sure! I'd do anything to watch a documentary of my yummy minister. (Sighs dreamily.) Oh, Claude.

Clopin: (Resists urge to gag.) Ok, then. Sit back, relax and enjoy the show. (Rolls the videotape. The TV screen is soon filled with scenes of cruel judges giving unreasonably strict sentences to gypsies. Some are also of scenes of them witnessing the gypsies being tortured. It was a truly ghastly sight. The videotape soon ends.) Well, lady, what do you think? Judges back then were really horrible back then, huh? _This is a piece of cake! She looks totally disgusted._

FFG: Well duh, of course they are! (Clopin smiles victoriously.) They all look so ugly, old and downright out of shape. Unlike Claude of course. (Clopin's smile sinks into a defeated frown as he listens to the FFG prattle on about how Frollo is so much better than those old coots in the video.) I mean, all of them had liver spots and wrinkles and were probably sagging everywhere. At least Claude's tight and nicely built. And his skin was as smooth and white like fine porcelain. Those judges should learn a thing or two from the best.

Clopin: (Smacking head against TV set repeatedly.) Damn!

#2: Introduce the Dear Judge to his Competition

Frollo: (With blindfold tied around his eyes.) Ok, where exactly are you two leading me?

Phoebus: You'll see, your Honor, you'll see.

Quasimodo: Yes, Master, it's a surprise. (Whispers to Phoebus.) Psst, will this actually work?

Phoebus: Has too. After the girls see he has no chance, they'll leave him.

(Both men lead the blindfolded minister up to a huge building. The building has a huge banner spanning the width of it that says 'Search for the Hottest Disney Villain! Sign up now!' They remove his blindfold when they finally reach the entrance.)

Frollo: (Looks at the banner, confused and wary.) And the meaning of this is…

Quasimodo: Well, you see, Master, there are many other villainous bad guys out there and some of them, admittedly, are much more attractive than you are. (Immediately runs away and hides behind a mailbox, fearing Frollo's explosive tantrum. However, the dear judge regards the banner thoughtfully while tapping his chin with his finger.)

Frollo: Even though, I'd consider myself far from being a villain, this might be a very interesting experience. (Enters the building, smirking.)

Phoebus: The moment of truth. Once, girls discover he's not the best, they'll…(Is interrupted by an enormous chorus of girlish screeches, the sound of hair being pulled and feminine wolf-whistles.) Ok, that is not a good sign.

(The banner is then removed and replaced with another banner. This one shows Frollo smirking smugly, carrying a golden first prize trophy filled with roses. The caption underneath reads 'Hottest Disney Villain 2010!' Quasimodo and Phoebus gawk at it in disbelief.)

Frollo: (Walks out triumphantly.) Why thank you, my dear boys. If it wasn't for you two, I would've never clinched this title. Come on then, I wish to display my prize. (Is soon followed by drooling, hot women whom surround him, asking him whether he's still single or if he has gotten over Esmeralda.)

Phoebus and Quasimodo: (Gawk at each other incredulously before slumping over in defeat.) Damn.

#3: Point out His Physical Flaws

Clopin: Hey, have any of you guys notice Frollo's lips are so thin; they're nearly non-existent when he smiles?

Phoebus: Yeah, and he's got the sunken cheeks and dark circles of a drug addict.

Quasimodo: Not to mention, his nose takes half the space of his face. And he wears a dress!

Clopin: He's also got wrinkles and bony hands. And his body's practically a dried out, grey string bean!

Phoebus: And those tiny feet! Prima donna much? Not to mention, he's ugly.

FFG: (Whom has been stewing in anger after hearing all these blasphemous and calumnious descriptions.) Don't you ever say such rude things about that beautiful, sexy, dangerous and charming man again! You three are one to talk! (Points at Clopin.) Frollo may have a large crooked nose but at least his makes him look dignified. Yours makes you look like you're constantly eating a tanned banana. His lips are the most kissable things ever and just look so devastatingly sexy when they're pulled back into his trademark smirk. As for those wrinkles, bah! The man ages like fine champagne. His hands aren't bony; they're marble and evocatively graceful and sensuous. (Purrs at the sheer thought of them.) And he has the most goddamn amazing body for a middle-aged, sedentary judge and don't you ever forget it! (Points at Phoebus.) So you think he looks like a drug addict, huh? Well I think you're a brain-dead, pretty-boy jock with rocks where his brain should be and has steroid muscles. That man's face is so utterly perfect. And what's wrong with tiny feet? Better than those clodhoppers you've got. (Stares mockingly at Phoebus's feet, which he is now trying to hide. Looks at Quasimodo but has no heart to scold him because he's too cute.) Quasi, Frollo's outfit is actually called a judicial cassock. A dress has a waist and a bodice. You don't see those on your Master's robes, don't you? (Quasimodo shakes his head in defeat.)

(Frollo comes walking by and gives the FFG a small smile of approval, causing her to drool out of the corner of her mouth and follow him like a little puppy.)

All three of them: Damn.

#4: Divert their Attention to Another Disney Villain

Clopin: Hey, I heard Jafar's single and likes you.

FFG: Whatever. My heart belongs to Claude.

Clopin: Uh, okay. Hades?

FFG: I prefer not to hang around someone that could kill me with his flammability on the first date.

Clopin: (Bites tongue as to not say how ironic it is she likes Frollo whom is very experienced with fire instead.) Um…Gaston?

FFG: Ah yes, it would be fun to pal around with a narcisstic jerk.

Clopin: Er…Maleficent?

FFG: Uh, hello, she's a woman. And I'm completely straight.

Clopin: She is? Wow, didn't see that coming. Anyway, how about Scar? You'll love Scar.

FFG: He's a lion, for God's sake!! Are you sick or something?

Clopin: Um…Captain Hook?

FFG: Dating a Jack Sparrow wannabe? That's not even remotely handsome? I think not.

Clopin: Sarousch?

FFG: Date that gay, flowery idiot in that crappy second movie? Please, my standards are way higher than that.

Clopin: (Getting frustrated.) Me? (Smiles charmingly.)

FFG: Yeah, right. You're not even a villain. Ok, this is a big waste of time. I'm going to go find my darling Claude. (Leaves Clopin to throw his hat onto the floor in utter exasperation and stomp on it angrily.)

Clopin: Damn!

#5: Lie to them about his Relationship Status/Sexuality

Phoebus: Bad news, lady. Frollo got married.

Quasimodo: What? I thought he turned gay. (Elbows Phoebus in the stomach for saying the wrong thing.)

Phoebus: (Trying to cover up his little faux pas.) Uh, he's gay and married. To some…Egyptian guy.

(FFG trembles with sadness as her eyes fill with tears. Quasimodo comfortingly hugs her.)

Quasimodo: There, there. There'll always be other villains. Why don't we watch TV to take your mind of my master? (Flips on the TV where Frollo is currently being interviewed in a Disney's House of Mouse special.)

Interviewer: So all these rumors of you being gay aren't true?

Frollo: (Looking offended.) For the last time, they're false. I have no idea who went and spread such calumny. Yes, I am absolutely straight.

Interviewer: And you are still currently single?

Frollo: (Sighs unhappily.) Yes, sadly, I am. (FFG widens her eyes at this and immediately bolts for the House of Mouse, accompanied by other rabidly horny women who so want to comfort and love out judge…in more ways than one.)

Phoebus and Quasimodo: (Bangs head against each other.) Damn!

#6: Be Like Him

Clopin: Hey, lady, what do you think? (Smirks while standing all mellow in Frollo's cassock and chaperon. It would've been a tasteful sight if the chaperon and cassock weren't three sizes too big for him.)

FFG: (Stifling laughter.) You look like you're drowning in a sea of velvet and that hat looks more like a sombrero on you! (Bursts out laughing. Clopin sighs, feeling hurt and defeated.)

Phoebus: What you think about me, lady? Looking sharp, huh? (Poses in Frollo's riding outfit in the opening scene. The tights are unfortunately too tight. He is also ghastly pale and looks like he hasn't eaten for days.)

FFG: What the hell are you supposed to be? A role model for male anorexics? Get out and get some sun. And eat something for God's sake! I can play a xylophone tune on your ribs. Oh and by the way, you have a run in your tights. (Phoebus blushes when he notices there in a very noticeable rip in the side of his leg.)

Quasimodo: Do I look okay?

FFG: (Eyes widen.) What on Earth did you do to your hair!! (Quasimodo's hair had been dyed silver numerous times and looked to be unsuccessfully cut to look like Frollo's cute coif. Half his hair is a tufted mess and there were bald patches. Hands Quasi a mirror. The hunchback gapes in horror.)

Quasimodo: You said it looked fine! (Points accusingly at Clopin.)

Clopin: (Sheepishly.) Well, it wasn't as bad as before I parted that tuft and shaved off a hanging bit.

Quasimodo: My hair looks like it's been weed-whacked by the Gardener of Death! Isn't it bad my face is hideous enough? Now, I have to worry about what people think of my hair!!!

FFG: Seriously, you guys are just plain pathetic. I'm leaving.

All three of them: Damn! Damn! Damn!!

#7: Hypnotize her into hating Him

Phoebus: (Waves Court of Miracles charm thing into the face of a FFG. Speaks like some sort of spooky clairvoyant.) You are getting sleepy…sleepy.

FFG: Yeah I am. Because of your boring, incessant chatter.

Phoebus: Watch the swinging charm. Your eyes are growing heavy. You are going to sleep. And when I snap my fingers, you will fall asleep and hate Frollo for all eternity. (Continues to swing the charm in her bored face.)

FFG: When you count to three, I'm gone.

Phoebus: One…two…three!

FFG: This is painfully stupid and boring. I'm going to go read Notre Dame de Paris. (Gets up and leave, muttering about idiotic soldiers and their amateurish hypnosis.)

Phoebus: What! Clopin said this works! (Swings charms into his own face and ends up falling to the floor, asleep.)

Quasimodo: (Watching this in disdain, sighs.) Damn.

#8: Devise a new plan (Because all the others epically failed/sucked)

Clopin: (Scrawling on notepad furiously.) Okay, how about we make him grow a blemish or something?

Quasimodo: I don't think so. We tried that. The girls ended up kissing and trying to rub pimple cream on it.

Clopin: Er…make him fall into sewage. Girls hate guys with serious B.O. (Makes mental note to shower himself after taking a whiff of his own scent.)

Phoebus: Uh huh, we tried that and we ended up accidentally falling into the sewer ourselves. I told you guys, don't try to push him into the manhole. Let him walk into it himself.

Clopin: Ok, Mr. 'I'm-full-of-extraordinary-ideas', what do you propose we do then?

Phoebus: Look, why don't we just wait it out? I mean, these girls can't possibly keep thinking Frollo's hot, can they?

Clopin: (Shocked at the actual sense coming from the soldier's mouth.) You know what, you're right. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

Quasimodo: Uh, Clopin? (Gestures to a computer screen filled with statistics on the HOND characters' popularity.) Frollo's popularity has increased tenfold across the border in only three days!

Clopin: What? How! (Takes a look for himself. Smacks head at the realization.) Well, duh!! That's the exact same time he went and did that nude shot for that centerfold in Playgirl! (Light bulb goes of in head.)

Quasimodo: You're not actually thinking of…(Is soon dragged off by Clopin and Phoebus to a photo shoot for Playgirl.)

10 minutes later…

Clopin: I can't believe they said I was too pudgy and fidgety to be a model! Me! Clopin Trouillefou?

Quasimodo: Better than what they told me. They said the camera would shatter under my ugliness.

Phoebus: They called me a 'Brokeback Mountain' reject. Top that!

Clopin: Ok, I guess that brings us back to the old drawing board. Damn.

#9: Silently murder Gorgeous Minister in his Sleep

Phoebus: This better work or I'm eating my helmet

Clopin: It will work. We've already picked all the guards.

Quasimodo: This feels cruel. And wrong.

Clopin: More cruel and wrong than imprisoning you in the bell tower? (Quasi shakes his head.) Good. Now come on. (Brandishes a dagger and all three of them approach Frollo's bed ominously and quietly. The good judge is sleeping soundly. Clopin raises the dagger up when suddenly…a light is turned on and the room is discovered to be infested with super pissed off FFGs.) Oh. Crap.

Frollo: (Sits up and points to them commandingly.) Seize them!! (The FFGs readily obey and lunge onto the frightened and unwitting trio. All three of them run for the door that they discover has been 'accidentally' locked by a 'clumsy' FFG. They beat on it for their very lives as the infuriated girls pile on them, ripping clothes, pounding, pulling hair and performing other sadistically rough acts of violence Frollo would be proud of.)

30 minutes later…

(All three of them are languishing in the bottom of a dungeon, battered and bruised beyond belief.)

Clopin: Who's stupid idea was this anyway?

Quasimodo: (Looks at him harshly.) Yours!!

Clopin: Oh. Sorry? (Sheepishly and apologetically. Looks at Phoebus who's applying salt to his helmet.) Uh, what're you doing?

Phoebus: Eating my helmet. Because that bloody plan didn't work!

Clopin: You know what I think it's time we give up. My aching body can't take anymore FFG combat. Damn it all!

#10: Throw in the Towel

Clopin: Hey, uh, Frollo?

Frollo: What, gypsy? (Is very wary of all three of them after last night's uncalled for incident.)

Clopin: Look; we've been doing these stupid, underhanded things because we were trying to get women to hate you. We're just jealous at how popular you are despite how old, skinny, evil, cold, cranky, cantankerous…(Notices Frollo's death glare and immediately halts his diatribe.) To cut the story short, we're sorry for doing them.

Frollo: Well, fine then. That's all in the past. For now, I'm more focused on this ball I'm attending hosted by Hades. It's a villain's ball and I am in need of a tux and of course, an escort.

(Women in all shapes, sizes, breeds, races and yes, even religion were beating down the doors of the Palace of Justice wearing skimpy prom dresses, too much makeup, about an entire liter of perfume and strappy stilettos, wanting to Frollo's escort before you could hear Clopin, Phoebus and Quasimodo say…)

All three of them: Damn.

A/N: Well that's it. Hope you enjoyed that! I know I did! Review, please. And remember this is all good clean fun. Don't take anything too seriously.


End file.
